and that's the way the cookie crumbles

Heather came and gone and it was an amazing time. We traveled from the most northern point in Israel to the most southern tip and all in between. We left no ground uncovered it felt like, hit up every view point, bar, restaurant, beach...
Those 3 and a half weeks will be vivid in my memory forever. There are over like 2,000 pictures and 10 hours of video footage to remind me of the good times as well. We were really on our shit.

So- back to reality. I am going Friday with dad to check out Kibbutz Yagur and it's Ulpan program, which I am enrolled in and expected to begin in a couple of weeks. Around the 21st I believe. I will continue to study Hebrew and work on the kibbutz and live that life which I am not thrilled about, but learning more Hebrew is just what I need to do if I intend on staying and working later on in this country. Having a hard time with the job search, I know I shouldn't be so picky, but I want so many different things. I want to work in media, then the next day I want to bartend and work in promotions, then again I want to be a flight attendant...jeez.

Ben arrives the 19th and I am so excited to see his face and squeeze the living hell out of him! I have missed that boy like crazy, just not the same without him around...Mirelle and I are missing our guy. Going to be great when he is here, will do a lot of things with the family Im sure, travel around. A trip to Eilat is in the works and I believe we are going from July 26th- Aug 2nd or something like that. Went to IKEA with dad and Simi yesterday to purchase a futon bed for the bomb shelter (that's the only room in the house left!!) and we got pillows and shelves, transforming the girls play room into a guest room I guess. Good move in my opinion.

Still seeing Dekel. My mind is exhausted from wondering what will come of us. It's such an easy relationship, we like each other, see each other, are honest and open about everything...everything is great. But. But do I want to get serious? What does that even mean? I can't deny my feelings, but for some reason it's obvious that I am trying to mask them and its so weird. I like him so much, think about him everyday, but don't want to get in too deep. He knows this and says that I should just go with the flow and let things evolve, play out how they are supposed to..but it's too hard for me to sit back and watch myself get wrapped up. What's wrong with me? I hear myself giving excuse after excuse for why I don't want to take the next step in our relationship, but its all bullshit. I need to let go.