when time stands still

to the point of no return

I have invested myself. Fully submerged. I can feel it. My feelings are on the line and my heart in his hands. Every night I am without him, he is missed. It's taking over me, uncontrolable. But I'm loving it. He makes me happy and I always look forward to the next time I can be by his side. He loves me and he means it and it feels great.

I moved into Kibbutz Yagur last Thursday and will begin class Sunday and work Monday. Same schedule as the ulpan program before, study 3 days a week, work 3 days a week...same ol same ol. But it beats being cooped up in my dad's house with chaos all around. It was beginning to give me gray hairs.

Ben is here and it feels so good to look over and have him be right there, I hug him when I realize that he is in the flesh next to me. His dry sense of humor and sarcastic ways were missed...The best times are when Mirelle, Ben and I are together though. I will always be appreciative of our sibling love and strong bond.

wishful thinking

about to go here with my boy...


(Beach Dor, Israel)

but want to go here...


(Little Corn Island, Nicaragua)

why can't life be as simple as waking up, having that morning cup of coffee and just being?

and that's the way the cookie crumbles

Heather came and gone and it was an amazing time. We traveled from the most northern point in Israel to the most southern tip and all in between. We left no ground uncovered it felt like, hit up every view point, bar, restaurant, beach...
Those 3 and a half weeks will be vivid in my memory forever. There are over like 2,000 pictures and 10 hours of video footage to remind me of the good times as well. We were really on our shit.

So- back to reality. I am going Friday with dad to check out Kibbutz Yagur and it's Ulpan program, which I am enrolled in and expected to begin in a couple of weeks. Around the 21st I believe. I will continue to study Hebrew and work on the kibbutz and live that life which I am not thrilled about, but learning more Hebrew is just what I need to do if I intend on staying and working later on in this country. Having a hard time with the job search, I know I shouldn't be so picky, but I want so many different things. I want to work in media, then the next day I want to bartend and work in promotions, then again I want to be a flight attendant...jeez.

Ben arrives the 19th and I am so excited to see his face and squeeze the living hell out of him! I have missed that boy like crazy, just not the same without him around...Mirelle and I are missing our guy. Going to be great when he is here, will do a lot of things with the family Im sure, travel around. A trip to Eilat is in the works and I believe we are going from July 26th- Aug 2nd or something like that. Went to IKEA with dad and Simi yesterday to purchase a futon bed for the bomb shelter (that's the only room in the house left!!) and we got pillows and shelves, transforming the girls play room into a guest room I guess. Good move in my opinion.

Still seeing Dekel. My mind is exhausted from wondering what will come of us. It's such an easy relationship, we like each other, see each other, are honest and open about everything...everything is great. But. But do I want to get serious? What does that even mean? I can't deny my feelings, but for some reason it's obvious that I am trying to mask them and its so weird. I like him so much, think about him everyday, but don't want to get in too deep. He knows this and says that I should just go with the flow and let things evolve, play out how they are supposed to..but it's too hard for me to sit back and watch myself get wrapped up. What's wrong with me? I hear myself giving excuse after excuse for why I don't want to take the next step in our relationship, but its all bullshit. I need to let go.